The Roller Coaster

Not much amusing about it. As usual the worst part for me is in the days that swirl in the wake & aftermath of changing course to leave more fragments of myself behind with yet another to whom those fragments are attached forever. The days going to bed weary from the stresses of the anxiety & anguish, enlightenment & let down that replay like music to add attraction to the roller coaster on which my emotions ride in added burden of another already hand tying & distracting workday.

Though in part better from nurturing need of rest partially broken with broken dreams, it is the initial moments of waking that really bring me down. Down to the bottom to begin my day of re-climbing to the top for another iconic & ironic ride on the roller coaster ,greeted by the grim cheezy smirk that awaits me eager to seat me.

The moments in waking up disoriented & blank when begins the feeling of the heavy sadness from the pieces of recollection. & realization falling back into place replenished in reminding me I am again empty & on my own as I travel into the looming abyss, uncertain as to where it leads.

As the pieces return in all their heaviness they seem intent on drowning me in this river of sorrow & regret that that I have cried. Wrenched gut, in a tear filled rut, convulsive ,I struggle for the surface amidst the images of a memory stored face that fades by the day, echos of the things likewise we could dare say. Pen indeed mightier than sword, but most mighty & damaging are the words sustained seen & heard from the face of she I loved. I did love her, damn myself for the resort to returning her such pain.
Things slowly look brighter, better in each click of the painstaking climb to the top. From there I still smile , I'll better in that while. I'm strong, solid in resolve making forever null the option of surrender. I truly am good in my intent, in turn confident of the future's content. At long last the top.

From here above any tree' I'm most certainly free.

Suddenly in turning, I've not cleared the woods yet, worse this may still get. Beware, prepare. sometimes I hold on tight, other times I throw my hands in the air in preparation & anticipation of the breathtaking zoom back to the bottom, back to the end of the line to stand waiting & in hope of a new ride to be unveiled. But momentarily shoot upward again avoiding sorrow, yet not quite so high as to perhaps fly, but scream why?

The worst of the ride is this part the loop of anger reminding me shut my eyes tight,commence no more fight. Remain focused on the light, the spirals spinning the test of sanity may easily bring calamity.

Such dreadful turning thoughts absent of loft, it is here prematurely, many choose to step off.

Kooky laughter from souls lost. Unbeknownst to them they lacked the information to save them from self chosen condemnation. I shudder.

Finally the ride has come to a stop, it's operator still piercing me with such a smirk, likely his past job a total flop. Of our own choices are we the product, should have listened to advisory voices. Like most, I'm at least not yet a ghost. I surely feel as one in my mood resetting in tone, all the while tasting bile, I collect my coat to trudge on home.

Life sucks , wipe nose, pull britches up, get over it. I would however , like to drill that cheezy ass mf in the mouth that's runnin this roller coaster . They say his name is misery & that he loves company. But he also is a wiz at building character. Alas ,since he has built a large portion of mine I guess I can not be too resentful of him....but in that, he can not be too mad at me for punching him in the mouth either.

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